Fighting Weariness

     If you were to ask my family about my lexicon, odds are they would mention specific words or phrases that I like to use. Some phrases, such as "anticipate my whim", stem from movies or TV shows (that one is from Muppet Treasure Island). In other instances, there's words such as "parochial" that I learned in school and will use, even when it doesn't make sense (Inigo Montoya would be disappointed). There's even words such as "chicane", a word that I enjoyed so much I even made a blog post about life's chicanes. At one point, I did a de facto word of the day at work, coining it "Whimsical Words with Will" and featured words that I've encountered and liked, such as gravitas, harbinger, kvetch, or trope. 

    Whimsical words aside, there's one word that I've found myself saying a lot lately: weariness. Weariness is a word that's been on my heart even before staying at home in quarantine started. After 2019 being a pretty good year for me, the start of the year felt like a disappointment due to a seemingly rocky start. I felt like I didn't have the same energy or excitement that I carried myself with for so much of 2019. Feeling tired felt more commonplace. The activities that brought me joy and enthusiasm started to slip. One way that I can tangibly see that was actually from my blog posts, writing them less frequently as I had in the past or even struggling to put together the ones that I did publish. While I don't want to be too hard on myself or force myself to write a blog post when my mind's not in the right place, it was disappointing to lack that energy and enthusiasm. 

    At the onset of COVID-19 and staying at home, there was a point where I started to feel re-energized, consistently going for walks, reading books, putting together puzzles, keeping up with friends, and so on. I even started writing blog posts again! While there would be stretches of days where I didn't leave my apartment, I mentally felt fine and didn't mind (chalk that one up to being an introvert). As this pandemic has continued on though, I've found myself slipping back into those same feelings of weariness that I started the year with. It's led to not having that same energy to go for a walk, read a book, keep up with friends, or write blog posts. I did finish a puzzle this week, so that was a bright spot. Still, weariness has gotten the best of me lately -- and it's time to start fighting back!

    The first step to fighting weariness is acknowledging its presence. But why is it present and why has it resurfaced? I know this is a cop out answer, but a big part of it has been that were still in the midst of a pandemic. Cases are steadily increasing and they don't appear to be showing any signs of slowing down. Being at home or remaining in quarantine for so long can naturally lead to fatigue and weariness. It's easy to fight off or ignore at the beginning, but becomes increasingly hard to do so as time goes on or when the end doesn't appear to be in sight. Feelings of being alone or cooped up exacerbate weariness. For as much fun as I've had doing puzzles, playing Scrabble, or going for walks, I do long for the day when I can spend time with friends without have to keep our distance from one another or fear that we'll get each other sick. I want to feel safe and comfortable going to worship at church again or even just sitting down for a dine-in meal. 

    One lesson that weariness has taught me is the importance of self-care. While staying at home in quarantine may seem like it would help with self-care, we still have to practice it each day. Self-care can seem like fun when it's eating cake for breakfast or doing a movie night, but a lot of self-care isn't as fun or glamorous. Self-care is going to bed at a reasonable time, getting enough sleep, eating healthy, setting boundaries, or even saying "no" to some activities to give yourself a break. Another way to look at it is that weariness is a reminder that we need to take care of ourselves. If we don't, burnout inevitably follows.

    Fighting weariness will be a battle everyday, one that I may even lose. I'm not going to sugarcoat that and pretend that I'll always win or stop feeling weary each day. There will be some bad days, but those occur whether I'm feeling weary or completely energized. The difference is not letting those bad days defeat me and lead me to further resignation. When I look back on this time in my life, I don't want it to be a time that I grew too weary and gave up. I want to be a time that I persevered in the midst of weariness and took meaningful steps to improve how I was feeling. I'll have to remind myself every day to take care of myself, as well as not be too hard on myself if/when I stumble. 

    Recently, I read through the Book of Hebrews. In Chapter 12, there's a passage that has the header "Do Not Grow Weary". That was a pretty timely passage for me, one that gives me peace. Verse 3 says "Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted." The passage reminds the reader all the Christ endured on the Cross so that we could be reconciled with God. In a time of weariness, that was especially convicting to read. Verse 11 provides reassurance, stating "for the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it". All that I've been feeling or going through right now may feel tiring or tough, but I know that God will get me through this. 

    Two Bible verses about weariness have come to mind lately. The first is from 2 Chronicles 15:7, which says "But you, take courage! Do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded". The second comes from Paul's letter to the Galatians, where he writes "And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up" (Galatians 6:9). Part of the weariness I've felt this year has stemmed from feeling like the places where I'm serving are in vain or going unnoticed. These verses remind me that sometimes our work isn't immediately rewarded, but it is always noticed by God. And He's our only audience. He sees the work and service that we're putting in each day, even if no one else sees or notices it. Our desire for instant gratification makes it difficult or deflating when our work isn't rewarded right away. But just because it isn't rewarded right away doesn't mean we have to give up or resign ourselves to weariness. We need to persevere and continue to serve when it is for doing good. 

    I'm so thankful that Paul never gave up in his own ministry and for all the letters that he wrote -- and this was a man who faced all sorts of persecution before being martyred. And as Hebrews 12 referenced, Christ didn't resign Himself to weariness with all that He endured, either. It's because that He lives that all that we do isn't in vain, but or a greater purpose. 

    As I close out today's blog post, I don't want to give off the false pretense that I've fended off weariness. Conversely, fighting weariness has only begun. That being said, I want to be optimistic and hopeful, remembering all that God has led me through and all that He will lead me through.

    Have a safe and Happy Independence Day!