Right Where I Belong

     As 2019 came to a close, I wrote about how I wanted to finish out the year strong. In past years, I've found that the way I finished out one year helped to shape the year that followed and set the groundwork. For me, that made it all the more imperative to close out 2019 on a good note.

     Naturally, just as I was thinking that I was closing out the year the way I wanted to, I found myself staring down past struggles that were resurfacing. Past struggles in the form of inadequacy, rejection, loneliness, and singleness. Following a nice trip home for Christmas to see family, a different struggle emerged: a pesky cold. Ending 2019 and beginning 2020 bedridden with a fever wasn't exactly what I had in mind. Even after the worst of the cold was gone, I still found myself feeling withdrawn, both from having a cold and from those lingering past struggles. Around this time, I also found myself feeling weary, not having the same energy to do the very things I enjoyed doing in the past. In short, this year didn't get off to the start I envisioned or hoped for...and I felt helpless about it. 

     It's funny how we can envision these grand plans for ourselves or have this perfect picture for how everything should unfold...only for it all to come crashing down. It's a lot easier to trust in God's plan and God's heart when His plan matches up with ours. The tough part is when God's plans for us look nothing like our own plans for ourselves. Instead of aligning ourselves with God's plans, we try to get God to align His plans with ourselves. It's safe to say that when we try to do that, what we're really trying to do is be God - or saying that we trust ourselves more than we trust God. And that's convicting to think about.

     A few weeks ago, I taught a lesson over God's promise to Abraham, a promises that included land, a blessing, and offspring. At the time, Abraham was an elderly man with no children and Sarah, his wife, was barren. For as great as God's promise sounded, Abraham still voiced his doubts to God at times, lamenting that he would never have a son. However, God addressed Abraham's doubts by showing him the stars in the sky- and telling him that his offspring would be as numerous as the stars in the sky. This reinforced to Abraham how big God is - and how big God's plan for Him was. Still, even after God reassured him the promise would be kept, Abraham acted upon his doubts and took matters into his own hands and had a son with Hagar, Sarah's servant. Even after Abraham did this, God extended grace to Abraham (a lesson to us all in itself) and the promise was kept with the birth of Isaac years later. 

     For me, the most convicting part of teaching that lesson was my struggle to practice the very things I was teaching: trusting in God's promise and in God's heart when we can't see it. There are times I've found myself asking God similar questions to what Abraham asked. I've found myself wondering why those pesky struggles resurface or why I ever had to face them to begin with. Thankfully, God extends grace to us in the midst of our doubting and our suffering. He also has a way of using our weaknesses and struggles to make us stronger. It's a testament to the glory of God that He uses, equips, and strengthens us with our weaknesses.

     I'll admit it: the start of 2020 wasn't exactly the start that I wanted. It hasn't always given me the answers that I've wanted. At times, it's felt like I've been left with more questions than answers. I've even found myself not always getting the results that I wanted, both on a lighthearted note (see the Sugar Bowl & NFC Championship game) and on a more serious note (Aaron Rodgers' comments on his faith, Kobe & Gianna Bryant's passing). In the midst of it all, there are reasons that I will take heart: now more than ever, I know that I'm right where I belong and where I'm supposed to be. I refuse to let those past struggles best me and I will continue to push through them. I say those things with confidence not because of myself, but because I will trust in God, His plan, and His heart through it all.

     One thing that has helped me push on through this season and given me that confidence in God: remembering. When I've remembered all the times in my life God has gotten me through past trials or how I've found a way through God, I've found myself at peace. One instance that's been on my heart lately was first coming to Houston. I remembered how I first came to Houston just over 3 years ago with only myself and a few suitcase, but everything all worked out. After living out of a hotel for a few days, I found an apartment nearby work and moved in with a load of Costco products and Ikea furniture (special thanks to my father for helping me move in and put the furniture together). In the following weeks, I got plugged in to a church here and have been going there ever since. What's more, I got by the first few months here mainly through walking and taking buses (bus routes 84, 32, 82, and 47 for the win!).

     When I remember times in my life such as first moving to Houston (and getting acquainted with Houston), I can't help but be reminded how God's always guided me the whole way through. He's the God who was, and is, and is to come. He's the God of all my days - North Carolina, Virginia, Baylor, Houston, and all that's to come. And that's what helps me to face all that life that brings and the confidence to know that I'm right where I belong.